"The lines of purpose in your lives never grow slack, tightly tied as they are to your future in heaven, kept taut by hope."
- Colossians 1:5 (THE MESSAGE)

almost the end of the week!! need some time to relax and sort out my emotions...very happy that God gave me such wonderful friends...that they would take the time to write/ call me to ask how i am doing ever since my grandfather's funeral, and express their sympathies... i know that God is always in control...my Rock ^.^ My friends this week and teachers have been such a great help to me...extending due dates, letting me know that they are there for me to just talk and stuff...*feel so blessed*...and i know that i am blessed...i couldn't ask for a better God, cuz there isn't one ;P, or greater friends...them just being there have just made all the difference. *sigh*..."Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so..."

nothing really exciting happening...just depressing things happening right now, which i do not really wish to delve into at the moment...something happy...hrmmmm, give me some time to think...oh yes...'cram'...so much convo today! ^.^ teehee...which is great...*laugh*...thanx so much again Ruth...i owe you big time ;P. Know i really shouldn't worry about school too much, but i am, so much pressure to excell, *sigh*...why can't i have the genes of my geniuses Andrew and Scott? :P...they're smart, and they know it...*sigh*...miss them...should visit Orleans again some time...see Jas also. *sigh*...time for more hwk...work work work...

never mind about yesterday...even though emotionally stable...things aren't getting any better w/ family and relatives...XP...but i have to admit my family has reason to be angry and dissappointed with my relatives...they really aren't acting like faithful Christians at all (not my family of course...but we also have our faults)...sowie i can't put these things on the blog...we all can just pray that God will provide a way out for us...and we need not take vengeance, for the Lord already said that the vengeance is His to do and He will follow through with it. *sigh*...i'm glad i am learning from all this though...hopefully when my parents pass away, my brother and i will not have these kind of stupid arguments like today...the air was so tense...i really got a real look at what my relatives true images were...and i'd like to say that i am not at all impressed...in many ways, i have already diminished my respect and trust for my relatives. Personally, perhaps my downfall, i usually give a person 'full' trust and respect when i first know them...however, the way they act, the things they do, etc. either diminish or increase my respect and trust for them as i get to know them better. i know that we are not all perfect...but the things my relatives are doing to my family, you really only need a conscience and common sense to do the right things. Some good things came out of the funeral and stuff though...was able to get some extensions on some of the projects and tests that were scheduled for some classes moved back to a later date...thank you Lord. still concerned about chem...i need the course, but i am not really doing that well in it, i need Andrew here to help me w/ it XP...he's such a genius...right now i have some Abba on...:P soothes the soul...mabbe i should put on some punk/rock on...get all that anger out...i should also spend more time w/ JC tho...need to read up more on the bible...words of wisdom from David or Samuel? Also need to work out a plan for my PRing, as i have not been as faithful as i should be...*sigh*...Lord i need you even more than ever...please fill my whole being...show me what to do...forgive me if i have done wrong. Love You.

feeling more emotionally stable today...glad i had a chance to kinda spill out my feelings yesterday...*whew*...needed a breather...:P*sigh*...very thankful that God gave me wonderful friends to help me out at this time, to give me advice and words of wisdom...i appreciate them so much...*sigh*...another week to go through...i'm so glad i know Jesus, otherwise, i would break down, and not know where or what to do w/ my life...i know that for everything there is a purpose, what purpose God has for my life, i do not fully know yet. i will just continue to put my trust in God because that is all that i can do...thank you Jesus for everything...

I'd like to say this is the worst week i have ever experienced in my whole life...absolutely THE WORST...i hate my life...why is it when you try to help out in a situation people blame you for helping them out...they are all acting like immature babies...the whole bunch of them...and we call ourselves "Christians"...for what? We sure don't act like one. If someone gave somebody else money from a shared bank account...and he, the person, who wrote the check is dead...you don't go to the person that the deceased wrote the check to and ask for the money back...for what?!? WHY!?!??!?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!!!???!?!?! Pride? Jealousy? It is not like they don't have enough money already...they haven't ever been unemployed, they live in a humongous house that really is not needed for only TWO people, they earn AMERICAN DOLLARS, we don't, they don't have to provide for any children...because they somehow 'decided' not to have children, they're rich...we're not...we have a mortgage to still pay for, there are more than TWO people to look after, we've experienced unemployment before, we are basically everything they are not...WHY?!?!? Why are people so greedy? WHY are they acting like immature babies?!?! The whole lot of them, from fighting over flowers, to funeral proceedings, my grandpa's wishes, the forsaken list goes on...i hate this i hate this I HATE THIS!!!!!! Just leave me alone...just leave me alone...i don't want to go to church, i don't feel like talking to anybody, i just want to sleep and for all this nonsense fighting to go away...i just wanna go home...home not here, but in heaven...things here are too stressful, too complicated, so stupid, i don't want any part of it...i just...just want to be alone with Jesus...because only He alone knows my pain and suffering...i really don't need this kind of garbage, and at the moment i am really fighting the urge to cuss...i don't want to cuss though, it is totally unnecessary...stupid...i need a punching bag...a stupid kickboxing dummy...i need to yell, scream, and punch something really hard before i lose my mind...why do people act so immaturely? They all disgust me...the whole lot of them...*eyes bulging...tearing up*...Lord, please take me away...i don't want any of this...i want to be at peace...where everything is perfect...and You are in control...*screams*...too many troubles and problems...why can't i be a stupid kid and not know anything...*HUGE sigh*...hopefully my brother and i can learn from these children/people...because i can't stand this stupid bickering...absolute nonsense, if my grandfather were only here...he'd chastise them all pretty bad...but who am i to dictate...or say this...i know that i am also not perfect...we live in a sinful world...Satan works here. Oh Lord...i ask that you give me the strength to go on...i know that for everything there is a plan...what plan i don't know, but You alone are Commander of everything...i know that i can put my full trust in You alone...no one can be compared to You...oh Abba...i'm so glad i have You...so glad that You have given me so many friends...but some good Christian friends who understand what i am going through, and are willing to help me in any way they can...thank you Lord for that...i truly appreciate the small and few Christian friends that i have...hopefully i can be as good of a sister in Christ to them as they are to me...yes, i know that they may not totally understand all that is happening in my life, but i thank you for letting me know them, and giving a chance to share my feelings, and for them to provide guidance and wisdom to me. Abba, my Precious Abba, i love you...

"We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails."
- Proverbs 19:21 (THE MESSAGE) God works in mysterious ways, He knows best...*sigh*...love You. Just reflecting on the past few days...*smiles**tears running down cheeks*...God took my grandpa to a better place...and i am so happy for him...he is now at peace, but i will miss him down here...he will never tie his shoelaces up in our front door, never kiss me goodbye, never talk to me after church in his car, *tears*, never teach me about physics, talk to me, give me advice, eat with us, *sob*, i can't continue this...too hard...first death in the family...*tear**argh*...i'm not taking this well...i'm not crying because he left, but because i will miss him, my grandpa. Grandpa...i know you are in heaven now...*tears*...but i am so glad that you are free of pain and suffering now...i've gotta really stop now...trying to regain self control...Oh God...Oh my God...

Thank you everybody for making my birthday special today!! I love you all...^-^ *smiles**hugs*...you guys are the best...*laugh*...the pressies were wonderful...but to me, it's the thought that really counts...well...now it's back to studying...*sigh*...but thanks everyone (you know who you are ;P) another year, another number, another spiritual battle(s) to face...gotta love 17 ;) toodle loos...

a new week...*sigh*...i need a break already...had ppl come back from uni this weekend...mmmm...missed them so much...church and stuff is diff. w/out them...argh, gotta work on my pr skills for Jeremiah, been slacking. School so far has been okie i guess...except for chem...i swear my teacher doesn't want me to get into uni...quiz EVERY week (she hasn't missed one so far...), talks too fast, explains things while you're writing things down (sowie...some ppl can't really listen and write at the same time!), too strict, tries to act funny but isn't, ectera ecetera...driving is good...*love* it, >.< bleh...too bad driving teacher isn't that great...argh...his smoking habits really bug me. Grandpa is okay i guess...hates the senior home, doesn't eat that much, doesn't really exercise, wants to go home, doesn't do anything...*sigh*...i don't wanna get old or be in a senior home...those places scare me...dead serious...grandma is okie...she's a tough cookie...starting to get nervous about uni...need those marks to get in...but i know that if God plans something for me, it will happen...all things are possible in Him...i need not worry, just gotta do my part...which is sometimes kinda hard...hard to stay focussed when you'd rather do something fun, exciting, anything but hwk or school. But i will do my best...try to do my best at least...i found it neat to spend some time w/ elana on sat. at the art museum looking at the group of 7 paintings...*laugh*...not sure i could do that w/ all of my friends...b-day is coming up...feel so old...feel like i need to catch up on my responsibilties...act mature...*laugh*...sometimes i really am not though...;P once when i needed to take pics of the sr football players there was the empty parking lot full of seagulls...haha...'full' of seagulls...i ran through all of them ^.^ (won-dee-ful funny memories of football games and practices ;P), enjoy kicking a stone/ twig all the way home, skipping/ dancing around the house when doing chores...:P very childish...but i like it...i kinda releases all the tensions from my mind and life...no worries...God will catch me if i fall...He is always there, watching me like the ever Faithful Sheperd. *smiles* ne ways, should get to bed now...

"Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy."
- Romans 9:16 (THE MESSAGE)